THE CHILD CAREGIVER
How many of us have heard someone praise the resilience of a child? It is a common belief that children have this natural ability to withstand some of the worst conditions. But is this a healthy or more importantly, a responsible perspective?
I remember the day my mom came home from the salon; I was 10 years-old and my sister was 3. My dad was standing as my mom sat on the couch and removed her hat, she was completely bald. She had cancer. I stood there holding my little sister’s hand. I wish I had the words to articulate the fear I felt, but I venture to guess that they don’t exist. My father had to work two jobs to fund the treatment that mom would need for the next year, while simultaneously grappling with the fact that he may lose his wife. I took the year off and did homeschool to stay home with mom while my little sister was in preschool. I used to go to volunteer in her class and accompany her on field trips as a stand in for my mom. I often heard people say, “you’re such a strong girl.” I wondered if they knew that I secretly just wanted to go to the pumpkin patch too. I was a typical 10-year-old in an atypical situation, with enthusiasm I jumped on any opportunity to be a kid. Often, I wondered if people saw what I was trying to hide. The praise made me feel like I was doing something special. It encouraged me to step up even more and attempt to hide my true desire to be a kid. Although well intentioned, these comments from others impacted me in a way I would only understand decades later.
Seeing my mother get poked, watching her with her head in the toilet, wondering if she would be awake when I knocked on her door in the morning, were all abnormal normal daily events. You may ask, why was I involved? Where were the adults? The thing is, our family didn’t have a choice. This was how it had to be; each shot that my mom needed was $1,500, and this didn’t include surgeries, chemo, and all the other medical care. My father worked as an electrician during the day and had paper routes during the night. He had no alternative, not because of ignorance, but because of the reality of the system. At times children are thrust into the “caregiver” role, while the other parent is forced to ward off death’s loan sharks.
How can we help our children in this situation? Are we speaking truth to them when we tell them that they are resilient, strong, or mature? Even before birth, society has created a world where the life of a child is screened for possible inefficiencies in their physical, intellectual and genetic health. If they are shown to have possible vulnerabilities or limitations the value of their life is questioned. As a society, how are we viewing our children? When did we start viewing the vulnerability of children as something to be ignored or denied rather than honored and protected? When did the limitations and vulnerabilities of a child become a burden?
We praise the child “caregiver” for being strong, stepping up, and being extremely mature. We marvel at their endurance, their resilience. The truth is children, unlike adults, are ignorant of alternatives. Their ability to endure is rooted in ignorance. Endurance becomes a proxy for survival. They do not have the emotional capacity to efficiently deal with the intricacies of caregiving. For example, I remember a time when I tried to disinfect the bathroom for my mom prior to one of her chemotherapy treatments. I sloshed and scrubbed using whatever cleaners were under the sink and then I was off to another task. Shortly after, I remember walking in and seeing my hairless mother on the bathroom floor scrubbing. I said, “Mom I did that already.” I felt confused, what could I have done better? Wasn’t I strong and mature, why couldn’t I clean the bathroom correctly? The truth is my mom was just double checking a 10-year-olds work. Her life depended on the cleanliness of that bathroom; would you trust your life with a 10-year-old?
We inflate them with overestimated evaluations of who and what they are capable of. They learn to take care of the cleaning, cooking, laundry, and we tell them they can do anything! This little bit of knowledge they have acquired from helping needs to be explained to them. Children are not resilient, they are survivors.
What is the difference and why is this important? Simply put: the Dunning-Kruger effect. This is a cognitive bias that happens when people of low ability in a task overestimate their ability. This happens when a person attains a small amount of knowledge and experience. Their actual performance falls far below their self-assessment. No doubt we’ve all worked with someone like this. They think they are awesome at their job, we know they are not. Children who are “caregivers” are at risk for this cognitive bias. Our overestimated evaluations of their competence/resilience make us the prime offender and catalyst for this effect. When we tell children that they are strong, perfect, or mature, our children believe us. They have no way of gauging what they don’t know or of what they are not capable of. The adults in their life are responsible for telling them this. It is their duty to show them their place in the world, to teach them their limitations, and help them grow past them; thus keeping them safe. You may bristle at the thought of teaching a child limitations but we do it all the time for safety’s sake. Do not run with the scissors, tie your shoes, buckle your seatbelt, don’t touch the stove, etc. We guide them past these limits. We teach them. We don’t just drop them off one day surrounded with scissors, untied laces, and a hot stove and say, “You’re strong and mature, you’ll figure it out.” Age appropriate mental and emotional limits are just as vital as physical ones. The teaching and guidance past these limits is essential.
We want to give them confidence and praise for what they can offer. We also need to tell them that they are children, caregiving is a job for an adult. Where there is not an available adult, a child may have to fill in, but they should know their place. They are not capable or competent caregivers. Children can be helpers, but they need to know their limit. There are scanty few resources for families who are in the same circumstances as mine was decades ago. I am grateful for my parents and as an adult understand what an impossible situation they were both in. Although we struggled as a family during this time, we are still a family. This is a conversation that needs to be started. Parents need education and guidance so they can understand how to help themselves and their children. Communities can help by censoring and questioning what they say to children. Instead of “You’re so mature/strong,” we can say, “I see that you are being brave, and I know you must feel scared at times. We are here to help.” We need to see the child, see the innocence, the vulnerability that innately resides in their being.
God gave caregivers to children for a reason; they need to be cared for. This includes children who have sick siblings, they may want to take on the role of a “caregiver.” This is a strength that parents can grow in their children. Parents can give their children age-appropriate tasks that help them contribute to the care of their loved one, but they must be educated on their limitations. Childhood has such impact on a human. Resilient children are not born, we must build them, we must grow them. Children do not qualify as a caregiver in the same way they wouldn’t qualify for a drivers’ license. If the child due to circumstance is in a helper role, we need to nurture the child by making time for play, light heartedness, questions and definitely excluding them from certain conversations or situations.
Remember the Duning-Kruger effect and think of the co-worker who doesn’t know what they don’t know. They have little knowledge yet act as experts; all the while, insecurity is the foundation of their self- esteem. When we tell kids that they are more capable than they are, this is the type of adult we are creating. John Locke said, “Parents wonder why the streams are bitter, when they themselves poison the fountain.” As a society, let’s stop poisoning the water and go to the source of the problem. Let’s have this conversation with one another, with our children and spouses. It’s an uncomfortable discussion, but some of the most important things are left unsaid to our own detriment. Let’s plan instead of react and most importantly let’s protect our children by rejecting the notion of a child “caregiver.”
